A well column pipe retrieval tool incorporating a “U” bracket having a lateral arm and an oppositely lateral arm, wherein the oppositely lateral arm has a fixed segment and a moveable segment; the column pipe retrieval tool further incorporating a column pipe receiving throat which is laterally bounded by the “U” bracket's lateral arm, and which is oppositely laterally bounded by the oppositely lateral arms' moveable segment; the column pipe retrieval tool further incorporating a plurality of pin and angled slide slot combinations which interconnect the oppositely lateral arm's fixed and moveable segments.